Brief Encounter

A stream of consciousness I needed to get out. It burped onto the page in just 40 minutes.

I’d touched down at Gatwick at around 6.30pm on the first day of August this year. I’d had a terrible flight, compounded by the lack of my usual medicine of a glass or six of something “fortifying”. Whether it was the start of Ramadan that meant there was nothing alcoholic on the plane, or just because it was an observant airline, I don’t know. But I was shattered, nerves frayed and body beaten by the journey that had got me there via Malmo, Sweden. All I wanted was to get on the train and share a meal with good friends in Bayswater, a not unreasonable target to end the day.

As I got to the platform, it was clear that not everything was as it should have been. The hordes, oh the hordes and hordes of pissed off travellers, unable to make good their escape. I forced calm to settle over me, as I saw a wait stretch before me. A conversation with a platform guard furnished me with the unwanted intelligence that a landslip further up the track had meddled the timetables and it was going to take some time. So I sat. 

And soon I saw fit to ask again, for any further information. Alongside me was an impossibly beautiful, willowy dark girl. She didn’t take my breath, but as someone who has never tried to chat up a stranger, she took words that were perhaps never there in the first place. She said something, and my mind whirred, “Luke, you’ve got good cards here. Think about it…’ve got stuff going on that might break the ice…”

“Well, ” I started falteringly, “I’d have thought my delays would’ve been at the other end.” Of course, she asked where I’d started the day’s journey. “Iraq.” I just left it there, feeling more as if I was playing poker than trying not to faint in her presence. “Oh, are you in the army?” I left the merest of beats before replying, “No, I’m a teacher….” And then a longer beat – I’m rebuilding a nation I laughed to myself. We got on, we got on well. She told me she’d been in Turkey for two weeks starting her third book (oh, you get better) and I mumbled something about trying to be a writer myself. I felt 12 years old. Sarah, for that is her name, decided to jump on a train, whilst I elected to await an Express. I took my phone from my pocket, but realised I didn’t have a number to give, no sim yet purchased. I couldn’t ask for hers, too forward. “Do you use Facebook?” she asked, and gave me her name. I added her as a friend just as soon as I could get access, a few hours later.

I woke up at my friends’ house and was pleased to see she’d written to me. A long, pleasant message, complimenting me on my clothes, and certainly giving me some signals. I wrote back. She wrote back. We swapped numbers. We started to text and email regularly.

A couple of days later, I was with friends. I showed them Facebook pictures of Sarah. Jane spotted that the dust jacket of her debut memoir was in amongst the pictures. “An honest memoir of a coke-addicted call girl in London” was about the long and short of it.

I wasn’t appalled. I didn’t think anything. There was no judgement, merely a “hmmm, she’s lived” and an unchanged desire to meet, which we soon agreed to do. On my birthday, 12th August. We met around the corner from the London Palladium and kissed long and passionately. We sat for food which we didn’t eat, kissing and looking at each other instead. She gave me a card which read “From This Day Forward” on the front. I gave her a book I thought she might enjoy, that I’d read a year ago. And I tried to take it back. I had only then remembered that the main character, as well as being a werewolf, was a prostitute. I was mortified. She laughed, she was easy with it. She gave me two books; Delta Of Venus by Anais Nin, as an erotic work as is possibly acceptable on a first date, if at all; and a Paul Smith notebook, “I have one too. When you are in Iraq and you see something you want to share with me, write it down. I will do the same here, and when we see each other next we will swap.” As we left, she said she was going to do something she hadn’t done for ages tonight.

“A massive line of coke?” I suggested with a straight face. “No, I’m going to suck off a sweaty businessman for £300,” she deadpanned back. Funny, intelligent, beautiful…undeniably a bit fucked up, but aren’t we all? She was, in fact, attending NA.

After a weekend in Brighton, we agreed to meet the following Sunday. She picked me up at the station and we went back to her flat. We spent 10 glorious hours discovering a near-perfect erotic match. And with that, we awoke on Monday morning and she went to work. I left a little later and returned to Stroud….I missed her almost immediately.

On the Tuesday morning, I woke up and checked Facebook. Sarah had written on her wall (it’s a fan page really, as I discovered, where people talk about recovery and prostitution) “Why can’t I just be normal, why isn’t this going to work?” Of course, I texted her. Of course, she told me that this wasn’t going to work. 

My mother picked me up from the friend’s pub where I was staying. I was distraught but keeping it below the surface, but mothers know. When she asked me what was wrong, I dissolved into floods of tears. I felt I’d had a chance, no matter how weak the foundations, pulled from me. A feeling had been aroused in me, connected undoubtedly with sex and with the fuck-it-all hyper-speed that we’d developed, that I hadn’t had for years. I wanted to give it a go with Sarah, and I told mum about her history. To my surprise (but on reflection I should have expected nothing less from a wonderfully caring woman such as her), she said, “Everyone has history, and it’s who she is now that is important.” A platitude, almost certainly, but thoughtful. Mind you, I was driving and I’m pretty sure mum was a bit fucking nervous about my fitness to do so.

Over the next few days, I tried to not think of Sarah. But a supernova, that burns so bright and so fast, is hot as well, and the burn wouldn’t be salved. I relented and sent her a text. Her reply was breezy and we agreed to keep in touch. 

My last weekend in England, I spent with the friends that I’d stayed with the night after I met Sarah. On the Monday, before I left on the Tuesday, Sarah suggested meeting for coffee. Like a fly to a purple fluorescent strip, I went and we clicked again. She had a royalty cheque on the way, and was going to use some of it to visit me in Kurdistan in September. The distance might be good for a couple of romantic dreamers like ourselves. She apologised for upsetting me in the past week, I was so delirious I told her it was nothing. Promises were made on both sides, and we parted with tearing eyes and happy hearts.

We kept in close contact until my flight, texts, phone calls and further promises. I texted when I landed, as promised. I received no reply, but messages often don’t reach here from the UK. 

I didn’t hear from her for a day, so I sent her an email, telling her I missed her already, being a soppy sod. She sent one back suggesting I find someone in Iraq to fill her place. Yep, that’s what it said. I read it a few times, and then replied, “Does this mean you’re not coming out to visit, then?” “No.” “But, what about what we said? Why did you say those things and make those promises on Monday?”

I got this in reply:

because i actually GENUINELY LIKE you. that’s why. its simple.
but you know something – some people say things at specific times, that they mean intensely at the time, and then maybe that alters. So what??

i like you Luke, but i don’t want daily contact – i don’t want to feel that you are my ‘betrothed’, i don’t want to feel that I must reply to every single email i get from you.
I don’t want to think that you are thinking about me lots, or missing me.
i don’t want to feel trapped.
i don’t want to feel any sense of re4sponsibility for how you feel.
I don’t want to feel any of this stuff.
I just don’t.
and i won’t.

don’t hold me to ransom for any of what ive said or done.
we owe each other nothing.

and now I’m getting angry

There has been some contact since, but after a promise to write me a good catch up email a few weeks ago, I’ve heard nothing. We all know that logically, I’m a fool to think any more about it. We’re also all aware that the heart doesn’t work like that.

13 thoughts on “Brief Encounter”

  1. Something relatively similar happened to me between July and August. Less compressed by time constraints but very intense – it was someone I had known for years but I never could contextualize the feelings, and then I did and then I got royally kicked in the face.
    Keep us posted, even if you have to write your own happy ending.
    I am accepting slowly my story won’t have one, and I have to see him once a week from next week ’til November.

    1. I think there will be no posting with which to keep you (does that even make sense?). I had an email from Sarah not long after I posted this, and she clearly knows nothing of this posting – our ties are weak. However, there have been a lot of views, and her story is fairly unique, so I imagine someone will know that she’s called something else and she’ll be made aware of this posting before long. So, should I, if I reply, tell her about this? Or just write it off? I hope I’ve not created a debacle.

  2. Hang in there. Don’t make it your life’s work to be with her but don’t necessarily give up either.

    It’s tough to form new relationships if you are recovering addict. We tend to have two settings – fuse with the other person or run like hell. Finding a functional middle space is hard. And people generate opposite reactions – so when we are with expressive extraverts we become avoidant loners, and vice versa.

    If you really think she is worth it for you – and you may not; being in a relationship with a recovering addict is hard as well – then you will need to be patient with her as she works her way from the extremes to the middle. It’s new territory and it takes a while to find one’s feet.

    One possibility would be to send her an email or text saying ‘when you are ready to be in touch then I am here and I won’t put pressure on you to make it more than you are ready for’ – and then let go. Get on with your stuff and see what happens. Try not to be too gutted if she’s already pushed the run like hell button, but she might not have done.

    1. Thanks Francesca. It’s important that you’ve made that comment, as I felt as if I might have unfairly portrayed Sarah. But I took some time to reflect, and this is an honest account of what happened. My expressiveness pushed her away (which in itself was a response to her openess), and then when I sat back, we had the coffee incident that threw me right back into it. I received the catch up email about 3 hours after publishing this, and am wondering whether to let her know that I have published this. Best not, is my current opinion. Peace and the best to you for your recovery.

      1. There has been further communication, as I had to make Sarah aware of this posting, such was its unexpected popularity – her biography is unique. Her self-centredness was not something I was prepared to accept. A relief to be honest, but I hope her continued recovery involves a look outside of herself.

  3. There’s something that always upsets me re: circumstances like this one – I’ve been on the receiving end of it before now. Someone who gets things going and then really quite cruely and selfishly walks away whilst your back is turned and then suddenly you’re left hanging. Was everything they ever said/did a lie? Did they like me in the first place and then got cold feet? Did they set out just to manipulate me from day one? It’s horrible. Mr Luke, you’ve written it beautifully here – nice to see your softer side too 😉

    To flirt with salvation when one has no intention of being saved is a very cruel and callous thing to do. I hope I never hurt someone in that way.


  4. Beautifully written. It is surprising to discover the myriad of people who, unexpectedly, have the flight button. They can come from all sorts of backgrounds – as perfect as can be and as awful as can be – and for the other person it can be unbelievably hurtful. I’ve finally stopped taking flight and it’s scary…still…no matter how much I want to nest where and with whom I am. It will be painful for her to be fighting all those inner battles and a patient person who is aware of the predilection for flight yet carries on as normal is working some magic here. It is hard though and I recently fell foul of it again…he gently came to get me…

    I wish you luck. A knight with a quest. But, remember, take care of you…

  5. Luke, dear chap, I’m usually a little scathing, sceptical, cynical about people baring all in the public domain. Yet you write so beautifully and having seen you in lovely Hove, the evening you refer to, so quietly excited about seeing this girl again, I feel for you. Damn it! How we cannot help ourselves getting hopes up, thinking ‘what if’…
    After a LONG TIME of running away from this whole love and commitment stuff – so I get some of where she seems to be coming from – I finally realise what it’s all about. We never know when it’ll hit, when our time is right but for sure, for someone as heartfelt and thoughtful as you, it’ll come. Never stop believing, feeling, following your heart. Love isn’t about pain, it’s about rightness, sureness and total trust. Some wonderful chick will snap you up and hang on there, I have no doubt x

    1. Thanks Emma, I’ve a sureness that I’ll have everything I’m owed, too. But this isn’t about heartache, it’s about a most peculiar moment. I’m only comfortable writing about it because I’m a little further on from a difficult time – Sarah has no idea. From the masses of private mail I’ve got on this subject, I’d be a fool to believe that anyone in recovery can think much beyond themselves, with good reason. This was written as an obituary to our friendship, and whilst a lot of people say “bury her deep”, some voices are “don’t say the last rites just yet”. Me? I’m going to sleep on it for days, if not weeks. After all, she emailed me 3 hours after I posted this (I’d emailed her before I posted this, so no coincidence), so it’s my turn.

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