Tag Archives: smoking

Giving Up Fags, Taking Up Madness


I’ve not posted for a while, my life isn’t that interesting at the moment, and I’ve few opinions worth the virtual print. The one thing that has been going on is my 25 year battle with smoking. I’ve taken to the doctors in regards to a cyst on my face and numbness in my left hand several times of late, and I’ve had a “whilst I’m here” feeling, “let’s get the fags out of the way”. I’ve tried to leave this addiction several ways before, Alan Carr, NRT, and hypnotism. I’ve gone pharmaceutical once before too – Zyban. Drove me mad. Everything was fine until the day I stopped smoking (one takes the drugs for 2 weeks until the Big Day), and then tears, darkness and hysteria took over. Speaking with my cessation nurse, I was keen to avoid this, and she assured me that our new silver bullet, Champix, had no history of such contra-indications. Anecdotally this wasn’t the case, but I blithely waved you correct people away, because I’d been ASSURED.

I’ve been more disagreeable than usual over the last fortnight, with hindsight. From a slightly cunty beginning, I’ve moved steadily into the territory of someone so wholly unpleasant that I’m shocked by the continuing tolerance of friends – but the most tolerant is my poor mother, to whom I don’t apologise nearly enough. But yesterday was the clincher. Yesterday was the day that I realised.

Still sure of the fact that Champix wasn’t blitzing my noodle, and looking forward to a Sunday in front of the telly, I got my coffee on. So irrelevant was the lack of smoking (was the day I was giving up) that I didn’t even think about the fact I wasn’t twisting a stick into shape as the obvious spouse to my muddy mug of Joe. Champix, on this long term physical health help, is GOOD. But the heavy caffeine bought about anxiety, and there were clear moments of oblivious fantasy. Should you not get the point, suicide was on my mind. I’m terrified of death, pretty sure that my pub musings of “I’ve made a pact with him downstairs, I’m living forever” are Faustian at best. But there it was, a clear, startling vision of how I should just nip upstairs and top myself. The little blonde girl from Poltergeist agreeing to the suggestion of the white noise of the telly. Luckily, I’ve been depressed before, noted how persuasive this feeling was, and type to tell the tale. I’m still a horrible cunt to be around though, failing to see the beauty of a sunset, wilfully falling out with those close to me. Such a joy to be around.

So, tonight, and this was the scary bit. Watching Sunderland on the telly in my good friend’s boozer. We might’ve lost 10-0, but I’d still be watching my lads. There was a clear moment, when someone on the other side of the bar mentioned something there had planned for November. Insidiously, my consciousness was washed over with something not even a thought – “I’ll not be alive to see it.”

I’m not going to top myself, I’ve been depressed before, and can deal with this drug; I’m trading long-term physical health for short-term mental illness. Please don’t think of this as anything other than an explanation of the trickiness of kicking the habit; there is no magic bullet.

Arriving At Volgograd Station


Arriving Volgograd

Nic leaned out of the window feeling the air fresher on his face than he expected. The Baku “Express” was about halfway to its ultimate destination and he’d had none of the trouble warily predicted by those that had never used the train. The Azeri train guards, truly Caucasian with clipped moustaches, who had regarded him with amusement throughout the journey, grinned and nodded when he pointed to the floor and asked, “Volgograd?” He sought further confirmation with the childish Cyrillic scrawl that he had copied from his guidebook which made them laugh from their bellies. A little embarrassed that he had not just shown them the book, he stuffed the paper into his pocket and set about readying his backpack. The late morning sun was bright through the coupe window and Nic felt like a pioneer. There was a true sense of some inspiring adventure before him. It bathed him with new found peaceful anticipation instead of the bile that had leeched into him during much of the journey so far and he was surprised to note that he was not at all worried about finding the driver who was to take him directly south to Elista, the city home of City Chess.

The train slowed to oil tanker rate, and during the last 200 metres it was difficult to notice that it was moving at all. This served to maintain the calm, and with a surprising lightness Nic bounded from the train and onto Russian soil, the door held open for him. He reached up behind him and shook hands with the two still smiling guards leaning to meet him halfway. It had been a tiny education for all. He fished his cheap sunglasses from his pocket and threw his head back to take the sun on his face. Then he just stood. He didn’t know where to go and really didn’t care.

He dropped the ‘pack to the floor and perched on it, the weight of his body taken more on his haunches and flat feet. Ignoring the no smoking signs, he licked the microscopic holes on the speckled brown filter of a Marlboro Light to marginally increase the strength. Once the end was glowing he sucked in deeply, imagining the cloud filling his lungs and blew out with the satisfaction of a deep breath rather than a nicotine hit. In fact he gained satisfaction from expelling the noxious fumes, but that did not stop him from poisoning himself once more. He stared at the carriage, 3 metres from him. Looking at all the parts, he went back to the time when a friend of his, a train driver, took him on an illicit journey.

Kenton referred to himself as a “basher”, and as far as Nic could work out, he was essentially an extreme trainspotter. The extreme part was that to tick the engine from his list, Kenton had to ride up front. Nic wasn’t sure whether Kenton had become a driver because of this obsession or whether the obsession had overcome him once he had begun his career. In either event, Kenton had been travelling through Nic’s local station late one evening, and had promised to call to see whether he had wanted to make the three hour round trip with him. Nic decided to give it a go and he and another friend, Bruce, had jumped on the Class 38 train as Kenton slid it through the station at about the same pace as the Baku Express had docked minutes before. It was dark, sometime after midnight and once the diesel engine had got its full head of steam back up, or whatever it was that diesel engine’s had to do to get to a decent pace, Kenton had let Nic drive. There was nothing to it, the most demanding act was to sound the horn before entering the tunnel (against the rule book at that time of night, but this was once-in-a-lifetime stuff), an act which in itself elicited child-like excitement. The fun of the horn was replaced with the horror of an alarm ringing directly behind him. It was a full 1960s fire alarm and it wrenched Nic from reverie and planted him firmly in terror. Kenton responded by coolly stuffing a canvas glove between the bell and the hammer and explained that “this old thing is forever doing that.” The adrenalin breaking down in Nic’s system was making him nervous and after Bruce had declined taking the controls, muttering something about the Titanic, Kenton took over once more.

“Why don’t you two look at the engine?” he suggested above the roar, and with a nod the two of them had headed out of the door behind them and into the engine. Directly into the engine. The noise was incredible, really louder than anything either of them had heard. Bruce punched Nic on the shoulder to get his attention, and although he was clearly shouting from just a metre away, Nic could hear nothing but the din. He turned away from Nic and motioned to the other end of the roaring lump of iron, encouraging Nic to follow. He instinctively knew that this was because he knew he wouldn’t follow and now he felt compelled. With great cloaks of claustrophobia enveloping him, Nic made his way along the chamber, back pressed against the wall as if it offered some protection and arrived at the back where Bruce had already opened the back door. It was like a Bond movie, looking out over the roofless carriages that carried the cargo, a bright moon behind them slightly to the right. They just stood there for a while, appreciating the wind, the terrific feeling of movement and the receding countryside. It was exhilarating and calm all at once.

And that was what Nic felt now. The peace of just sitting and smoking belied the knots in his stomach. He was pinching the end of his smoke and flicked it at the gears and gauges underneath the carriage, and it landed perfectly still on some horizontal bracing between wheels. Pleased with this exceptional omen, the knot slipped straight and he got up, wrestling the backpack happily into place as he did. The driver that he had managed to arrange should be easy enough to spot, a Kalmyk with his distinctive Mongol features amongst a crowd of Russians. He could not make out the size or design of the place as he strode across the tracks, but walking through the building he was impressed by the high ceilings and marble walls. It was lighter than Lviv and less modern than Kyiv, but typically Russian. It seemed that everyone was travelling with a plastic, gingham, zip-up case, of the type used for laundry back home, but used for pretty much everything here. He kept up his determined pace to the front of the station and at the top of the stairs outside took some water from his bottle and settled on his haunches to have another cigarette and see if he could spot someone. Resting back against his pack, against the wall, Nic surveyed the crowd and judged that it should be simple. The sun was on his face and he thumbed the half smoked stick into a crack in the pavement before tossing the butt into the bin. As he stood up, someone was in front of him, speaking to him in Russian.

“Ya ne govoryu po-russkiĭ,” he spluttered under his breath. As it fell from his lips, he confused himself wondering whether he had just lied, by explaining he didn’t speak Russian in Russian. Before the thought could take hold the stranger was speaking English no better to him.